Welcome to Nando's Corner. Here, we get to talk about movies and screenplays. Normally, you would think that those two things would be the same. For instance, why couldn't a writer just write a screenplay and have a film crew go out and film it? .

There's many reasons why that doesn't happen, and a major one is that somewhere along the line, somebody figured out a better way of making the movie than was indicated in the screenplay. Another major reason is in their haste to make a great film, they sometimes set aside the screenplay that they paid good money for and just make up a bunch of crud that gets blamed on the poor writer. Either way, a script can reveal a movie that could have been, or a movie that will never ever be seen.

When I first started to hear who was going to be working on BATMAN FOREVER, I already had great expectations for the movie. Director Joel Schumacher had put together excellent visuals and great star turns in both FLATLINERS and THE CLIENT, and seemed to be on a roll career wise. I was already a fan of Cinematographer Stephen Goldblatt from LETHAL WEAPON and THE LAST BOYSCOUT, and of Composer Eliot Goldenthal from ALIEN 3.

And the downer of hearing that they were going to finally include Robin in the movie (I just never got into the Boy Wonder, the Peter Pan of superheros) was more than made up for by the tag team of Tommy Lee “Two Face” Jones and Jim “The Riddler” Carrey as the bad guys. As far as Val Kilmer being the Caped Crusader, I remember thinking that even though I’d have rather seen Alec Baldwin (who I still think would be fantastic, though the current choice of Kurt Russell for BATMAN 5 is a decent one) in the role, that Val would be able to do a good job.

But where was the topflight screenwriting team? The original Batman had Warren Skarren (BEETLEJUICE and TOP GUN) doing rewrites, and the second had the Terminator of catch phrases Daniel Waters (HEATHERS, HUDSON HAWK, FORD FAIRLANE) scripting. So where were the star writers this time out? Out of the hundred and seventy million spent to make BATMAN FOREVER, they couldn’t part with the five million they’d have needed to get David Mamet to do the job? Think of it, a Batman flick with both cool dialogue AND a snappy plot.

But they went with Lee and Janet Batchler, with rewrites by Akiva Goldsman. I’d heard a little of Lee and Janet in Premiere for selling their spec SMOKE AND MIRRORS for a million samolians and how Frank Marshall was going to direct Sean Connery in the title role of French magician Robert Houdine. But the film got turfed, so I didn’t know if they could write or not. And the other screenwriter on board for BATMAN FOREVER was Akiva Goldsman, and the only thing I’d seen of his was THE CLIENT, which didn’t seem horribly great or terribly bad, either way (He also wrote SILENT FALL, but I still haven’t seen it).

And yet the result was a movie that wasn’t just a visual spectacle, but, thanks to the writers, had a pretty decent plot, a healthy share of quotable movie dialogue, and some characterization that was better than it needed to be in a comic book movie. And Jim Carrey improvised a lot less than you might think he did. But as Nando’s Corner looks at a production draft of Akiva’s, getting the script into shape took a long time, and a lot of work, and at this point in the movie’s development, they had a long way to go. Let’s take a peek.

EXT. ARKHAM ASYLUM - NIGHT

A castle of shadow. (OVER) RAIN, HOWLING evil wind. Sudden lightning CRACKS, illuminates the aged structure, the hanging metal sign.

INT. ASYLUM CORRIDORS - NIGHT

DR. BURTON, the Chief Psychiatrist moves down the old hallway, face tense. He steps through a doorway into...

INT. MAXIMUM SECURITY - NIGHT

Security cells. Criminal maniacs sealed behind protective casings. A GUARD stands before a heavy door.

GUARD Hell of a night, huh Doc?

BURTON Hell's in here.

Hydraulics HISS. The cell door unseals.

INT. SECURE ISOLATION CELL

Small. Walls, ceiling, floor, padded. A single window casts the room in pallid moonlight.

A figure sits in shadow, bound by the wraps and ties of a straight jacket, gaze fixed out the window.

Lightning flashes, brightening the room. THUNDER CRACKS.

DR. BURTON Mr. Dent...

No answer. Burton steps closer.

DR. BURTON Counselor...

Still nothing. Another step.

DR. BURTON Harvey....

Burton reaches towards the figure.

DR. BURTON Harvey are you alright...

Burton touches his shoulder. Lightning flashes as...

THE BODY WHIPS around. An orderly, gagged, sits bound to the chair with bedsheets.

The sheets around the chair have been rigged. Now they yank him up so he spins frantically from the ceiling fan.

Lightning flashes again, illuminating a madman's scrawled writing on the wall.

WRITING - CLOSE. "The Bat Must Die!" THUNDER

This is our opening scene. SNOOOZZZZEEE. MTV, boring school teachers, and food groups consisting of Nachos, Crunchits, M & M’s, and Jolt Cola have conspired to shorten the attention spans of movie audiences everywhere. We need a shot in the head right at the beginning of our movie, and this Batman sequel has to compete against countless classic action movie openings from all the various Diehards, Lethal Weapons, Braddock Missing in Actions, and of course, that venerable Britsh Secret Agent whose adventures are an absolute staple of bigger than life action flicks, Austin Powers.

Luckily, editor Dennis Virkler put this opening into the bin, and cuts right to Two Face’s bank job, that starts in the script at about page THIRTY!!

Bruce Wayne ENTERS, his Armani suit the only thing fresh about him, followed by a sudden stream of EXECUTIVES, SECRETARIES, ASSISTANTS and GOTHAM SOCIETY MATRONS.

EXECUTIVE The solar generator tests are back.

BRUCE Uh... great, could you wait a second...

ASSISTANT The Mayor's office called again -

SOCIETY MATRON Who are you asking to the circus -

SECRETARY Five minutes to your inspection -

BRUCE Stop!

Everybody freezes.

BRUCE Okay, I want you all to just stand here for fifteen seconds, okay? Fifteen, everybody got it?

Folks nod.

BRUCE Good. Nobody move, now.

And with that, Bruce turns and walks out.

BRUCE (to himself) I gotta give myself a raise...

Blech. Bruce Wayne handles radioactive, saliva drooling, bug eyed, stayed home dateless on high school prom night, egomaniacs bent on world domination for breakfast. And these goofball hangerons are able to get under Batman’s skin? Doh!!

EDWARD NYGMA, awkward, brilliant and feverishly anxious stares up at the screen, TALKING to himself.

EDWARD We'll probably go to the house for dinner. Yes. Yes. Maybe he'll throw a little party in my honor.

Suddenly Edward BANGS his head against the desk-top. Hard. A brief window on the inner Edward, all insecurity and self loathing.

EDWARD Idiot! Should have rented a tuxedo. (suddenly calm) Relax. I'm sure Wayne manor has extra. After all, we're almost the same size.

The opposing wall is a shrine to Bruce Wayne: newspaper headlines, a GQ cover, magazine photos.

Approaching COMMOTION.

EDWARD Oh my God. It's him.

Interesting way to introduce Nygma, but the subtext of Nygma having a fancy for Bruce Wayne is going to play all through his conversation with Bruce, so you don’t necessarily have to give it this kind of setup. Whenever two people that we know are important meet, we’re already watching them closely to determine their relationship based on the first things they say to each other, so the film should get to that first exchange fairly quickly.

BRUCE Mr. Nygma, you'll forgive me for being rude. But what exactly is on your mind?

EDWARD Precisely. What's on all our minds? Brainwaves. The future of Wayne Enterprises is Brainwaves!

It's hard to imagine anyone more awkward. The effect is painful. Folks stare, mouths wide.

STICKLEY (sotto voce) I really do apologize, Mr. Wayne. His project was terminated this morning...

EDWARD (ignoring Stickley) Let me ask you something, Bruce. What is man's greatest tool?

A few of the WOMEN SNICKER. For a second, Edward's face twitches, a crack in the facade.

EDWARD Man's greatest tool is...The mind.

Edward gestures to his cubicle. A rat's nest cluttered with components of his Rube Goldberg-like invention.

EDWARD Voila. While holographically enhancing any TV picture, my invention connects directly to the viewer's brain, puts the audience inside the show. Think of the entertainment problems we can solve.

STICKLEY I can think of a couple problems that need solving right here.

A few more folks CHUCKLE. Edward looks around. Another ripple of anxiety, another quick recovery.

EDWARD Why be brutalized by an uncaring world? My RES Box will give Joe Q Public a realm where he is king. (sultry) Not that someone like you would need it. Someone so intelligent. Witty. Charming. But for the lonely, the...

STICKLEY Paranoid? The psychotic?

EDWARD (didn't miss it) ...The Box can change their lives. (looking around) Our stock coupons will spike.

Edward turns, actually CLAPS Stickley on the back.

EDWARD Hell. Might even bring old Stickley here a few extra bucks. Huh, Fred?

STICKLEY Fred?

Bruce takes off his glasses, rubs his eyes in vague disbelief, cleans the lenses.

EDWARD Wayne Enterprises will spearhead an entertainment revolution.

Edward removes his glasses, cleans them in exactly the same manner as Bruce.

EDWARD I just need a bit of additional funding. For human trials. Let me show you....

Bruce seems about to speak when suddenly -

THE BATSIGNAL beams bright against the night clouds over Gotham City.

BRUCE (time to move) Maybe some other time..

EDWARD I want you to know, we'll be full partners in this, Bruce. (waxing rhapsodic) What talks we'll have, late into the night. Now, I'm not used to business travel, so go easy on me. As for recognition, I'm sure after a time I'll get used to it. (a beat) Look at us. Two of a kind.

Edward is suddenly aware of dozens of co-workers all around him, SNICKERING and WHISPERING.

EDWARD Bruce...?

Bruce's eyes dart again toward the Batsignal.

BRUCE Call my secretary, she'll set something up. (turning) Factory looks great, folks. Keep up the good work.

EDWARD (desperate) Wait. You can't go.

BRUCE We'll talk some other -

EDWARD (sudden rage) No. Don't leave me! My invention! I need you!

Edward has grabbed Bruce's arm. The room goes dead quiet. Bruce's eyes narrow. Then he dislodges gently.

BRUCE I'm sorry, Edward. Just feels a bit like mind manipulation. It raises too many question marks.

Bruce heads off.

STICKLEY Alright everyone, back to work. (to Edward) We'll discuss this later.

Edward stares after Bruce.

EDWARD You were supposed to understand.

HOLD on this tiny man, all alone in the labyrinthine work-place, eyes darkening now with growing obsession.

EDWARD I'll make you understand.

The film version cut this scene to it’s essentials: lose the tool joke, lose the bat signal (in the script, what follows is Two Face’s bank job, and the signal is to alert Batman to it. In the film, the bank job precedes this, so they needed to cut the signal business anyways), take out most of Stickley’s interruptions (they have value to show Stickley’s contempt for Nygma, but being that this is the first meeting by the movie’s two main characters, Stickley shouldn’t be trying to steal the moment.), and just concentrate on telling us about the box and Nygma’s hardon for Bruce Wayne.

Throughout the Bat flicks,and pretty well most other comic book movies, villain’s motives are always given short thrift. Doctor Evil said it best “Let’s just do what we always do: hijack some nuclear missiles and hold the world hostage.” We know bad guys are gonna do bad stuff, so why bother with motivation? Because that’s great storytelling and just cause it’s a popcorn movie doesn’t mean that we can’t write interesting and passionate characters with real desires and pain. And that’s exactly what’s going on here with this scene and it’s final lines.

Nygma’s deep pyschological obsession with Batman is compelling and is almost assuridly the result of scripter Akiva Goldman’s pychiatrict background. In a lot of the movie’s action scenes and jokes, Akiva seems to be a bit out of his element, but when the movie’s pyschosis is being developed, he writes with strength and interest.

Remember what the how to write books tell us? Write what you know. Well, here it is in action. For every horrible joke that Akiva writes in this script (and I’m gonna show them here) and in BATMAN AND ROBIN (I’ll spare you, don’t worry), he redeems himself, in my mind, with Nygma’s crystal clear perfect last lines “You were supposed to understand. I’ll make you understand.” That’s wonderful writing, clear, concise, and strong enough to build the entire film around. And Carrey sold those lines right on up to movie dialogue heaven. Good stuff.

FOLLOW Batman's feet as he steps up to the Batmobile.

ALFRED I suppose I couldn't convince you to take along a sandwich.

Batman jumps into the Batmobile.

BRUCE (to Alfred) I'll get drive-thru. (to the car) Go...

The car shoots a whitish-blue light from under it's belly. Hub Caps and detailing glow as The Batmobile zooms out of the cave.

INT. CAVE ACCESS TUBE

The car SHOOTS through a series of underground arches. The car picks up speed, the blue-white fusion drive going blue, then purple, then red. The single bat wing splits into two as the car becomes a stealth bullet.

Here’s where they finally had the “drive-thru” line, and is the first indication that this is a script where some of the vividness of screenplay action description takes a back seat to writing memorable dialogue. The “drive-thru” line makes a great trailer moment, but how do you film the line “The single bat wing splits into two as the car becomes a stealth bullet.” You can imagine the production team wondering A: What the hell is a stealth bullet B: How the hell does a car become such a bullet, and C: Why the hell would anyone want a car to change into a stealth bullet in the first place. Go figure.

INT. SECOND BANK OF GOTHAM - 22ND FLOOR - NIGHT

A worried THUG peers at the Batsignal out the skyscraper window. Across a narrow abyss stands a skyscraper under construction, all girders and scaffolding.

In f.g., a spinning silver dollar flips up into frame, blocking out the Batsignal.

THUG 1 Bat should show any minute, Face.

A HAND catches the coin, flips it again.

Here is a missing scene that would have made for a pretty cool visual moment. Not quite as wonderfully goofy as the original Batman movie’s moment where Keaton flew his plane up through the clouds to sillouette it against the full moon, but this would’ve still been pretty neat in a sort of "flicking a coin in front of the moon to be cool" kind of way.

TWO-FACE You. Sport. Any thoughts? Counting on Batass to rescue you?

PULL BACK TO REVEAL

A SECURITY GUARD, laying on the floor, wrists and feet bound, trembling with fear.

TWO-FACE _We_ sure are.

GUARD ...You gonna kill me?

TWO-FACE Might. Might not. Could say we're of two minds on the subject.

GUARD I got family. ...Please.

TWO-FACE What say we flip for it?

Two-ace shoves the silver dollar under the Guard's nose. One side shines in mint condition.

TWO-FACE What could be fairer than the random toss of an honest coin? Life...

The other side bears deep, disfiguring burns.

TWO-FACE ...or death.

GUARD Please. I swear I won't say noth-

TWO-FACE The coin _wants_ to decide.

Two-Face flips. The coin spins, gleaming, lands on the floor only inches from the Guard's face. Two-Face STOMPS the coin. Winks at the sweating Guard.

TWO-FACE Exhilarating, isn't it? The suspense? Sudden death or a new lease on life? Really makes a man live in the moment.

Two-Face removes his foot. Unblemished side up.

TWO-FACE You're in luck. You get to live to whimper another day.

The Guard SOBS with relief. Harvey's Thugs GRUMBLE.

Ehh, blech. Tommy Lee Jones was supposedly upset at being what he considered as upstaged by Jim Carrey’s antics as The Riddler, but I always felt he was convincingly sinister as Two Face, and an excellent counterpart to Carrey’s loud, joking, and more flaming than Liberace scene stealing maniac. Luckily, they gave Tommy the “another day of wine and roses. Or in your case, beer and pizza.” line to finish the scene with, rather than this one above.

INT. - SECOND BANK OF GOTHAM. 22ND FLOOR, NIGHT

Thug 1 stares out the window.

THUG 1 The Bat's taking the bait! What now?

Harvey flips the coin.

FOLLOW THE COIN as Two-Face snatches it from mid-air, slaps it on his wrist. Bad side up.

ANGLE ON - Two-Face's left side. Scarred, gloating evil.

TWO-FACE At last, The Bat dies!

The chains suddenly yank the safe towards the hole in the wall. Thug 2 gestures to the Guard on the floor.

THUG 2 What about him?

TWO-FACE Kill him too.

Thug 2, grinning, draws a GUN from his waistband.

GUARD Wait! You said you'd let me go!

TWO-FACE Never heard of a double-cross?

A DING from the elevators.

The Thugs and Harvey all whirl, machine guns coming up, open FIRE, armor piercing bullets punching holes in the metal doors, shredding anyone inside.

THE GUARD lays bound on the floor. Suddenly a clamp-ended bat-cable drops from above. With a tiny CLICK, the smart-clamp hooks onto the Guard's wrist bindings.

ELEVATORS

HARVEY AND THUGS empty magazines. Re-load.

TWO-FACE Come on in, the water's fine.

All stand watching as the now perforated elevator doors slide, jerking, open to reveal...an empty elevator.

The skylight overhead EXPLODES and, in a rain of glass, Batman drops to the floor on a Batrope.

THE GUARD is apparently attached to the Batrope's other end because, as the Caped Crusader comes down, the Guard shoots up, hoisted fast to the safe rooftop above.

FIRE DOORS BLOW open. Two SWAT teams burst in, armed for bear.

SWAT LEADER Police! Freeze!

TWO-FACE Not the guest list we had in mind. Boys, the party's over.

Two-Face drops a SMOKE GRENADE. Then he leaps directly out the hole in the wall. His Thugs take off after him.

EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS)

The Thugs come leaping through the hole, using the now rising safe as a springboard to close the windy gap, roll to safety on the construction site next door. They scatter, begin scaling various beams and girders.

INT. BANK

Swat Teams race through the smoke in close pursuit, come up short at the edge of the urban precipice. The safe has risen too high, now, to serve as a springboard, so the cops drop, begin FIRING across the gap. Suddenly... A DARK WING explodes out of the smoke behind them, flying across the abyss.

INT. CONSTRUCTION SIGHT

A Thug fires at the figure hurling towards him. Batman lands on the Thug's chest, smashing him to the floor.

Suddenly, from above, BULLETS CRACK off the girders beside the Caped Crusader's head.

REVERSE ANGLE

TWO-FACE glides upward, riding the wrecking ball as it overtakes the safe, shooting down at Batman.

BATMAN starts scaling the scaffolding after Two-Face. He's climbing fast but Harvey has too great a lead.

Not only did the bank job get bumped up to the beginning of the movie, but it was set up with a little more peril than the script. The movie gave us Batman getting suckered into saving the bank guard and ending up trapped inside the safe which is being filled with not ice cold acid, not luke warm acid, but BOILING HOT ACID. Then Batman get’s out, not by using any one of his wonderful toys, but by using the guard’s hearing aid to crack the safe. Pretty unlikely, but still a cool move, and a welcome change from Batman just happening to have the perfect Bat-device in his belt to defeat the traps that the baddies suffered greatly to construct for his demise.

The script gave us more of a standard “Bad guy acts all high and mighty with constricted victim, the hero shows up, the bad guy is rendered impotent by the hero’s very appearance, makes a bad joke and escapes, while the hero stares off grimly.” Blech, man, blech.

Stickley stands before Edward's cubicle. Not happy.

STICKLEY Your project is terminated. I'm calling security.

Stickley turns to go. Mistake. Edward CRACKS Stickley on the head with a coffee pot. Down he goes.

EDWARD Caffine'll kill you.

EDWARD (game show host) Fred Stickley. Come on down. You're the next contestant on I Want Your Brain. (Wayne-like) Nygma your machine has unexpected side effects. A feed back loop has caused your brain to absorb Stickley's neural energy. (hyper) Stickley, I've had a break- through! And a breakdown? Maybe. Nevertheless. I'm smarter. Hell, I'm a genius. More than a genius. Several geniuses. Genae. Genie.

Ed rises, BABBLES a dazed Fred's lips with his finger.

EDWARD (short order cook) Yo. Charlie. Gimmie an order of brain deep-fry. Extra well done. Hold the neurons. (a scientist) Patient exhibits symptoms of psycho neural overload. Notation: obviously higher settings can be dangerous to the subject. (pacing) Riddle me this, Fred. What is everything to someone and nothing to everyone else? Your mind of course. And now mine pumps with the power of yours. (urban) New from Brain-bok. Da pump. Think faster. Reason higher. Out-cog-nate every homey on the court of life. Da pump. Yeah. (Shakespearian) Ho! Mark. I sense an odd penchant for the anagramatic. The acrostic. The crypto-graphic. What doth this bode? Answer me Marcutio, you little runt. (gourmet) Fred, I must confess you were a wonderful appetizer. Simply divine. But now I yearn for a meal of substance. The main course. A wide and varied palette. Ah, to taste the mind of a hero. A nobleman. A poet. (Groucho) A chick in a short skirt wouldn't be so bad either.

STICKLEY ...Fired...your fired...your fired. You understand?! Fired!!

EDWARD I don't think so.

Edward savagely sends Stickley careening across the slick floor still strapped to the swivel chair.

Stickley heads straight for the huge round window.

Edward seems like he has regrets as he dashes after Stickley. The chair...

SMASHES THROUGH THE ROUND WINDOW

It teeters on the edge of the building, dam and RUSHING water below. Stickley is being held on the precipice by the long wire attached to his headband. It is really only this that Edward came to save.

EDWARD Fred. Babe. _You_ are fired. Or should I say Terminated!

He yanks the invention from Stickley's head and he crashes below to certain death. Ed races back to...

EDWARD'S CUBICLE

EDWARD Question marks, Mr. Wayne?

He stands staring at the picture of Bruce Wayne.

EDWARD My work raises too many question marks?

In a frenzy, Edward begins tearing up the magazines lying on his desk, ripping out individual words, pasting them quickly onto a blank piece of paper.

EDWARD Two years. 3.5762 percent of my estimated lifespan toiling for your greater glory and profit.

He SMASHES the framed GQ cover of Bruce on the floor.

EDWARD Well, let me ask you some questions, Mr. Smarter Than Thou. Why are you so debonair? Successful? Richer than God? Why should you have it all and not me? Yes, you're right, there are too many questions, Bruce Wayne.

Edward STOMPS on the picture, pulverizing the glass.

EDWARD Like why hasn't anybody put you in your place? And it's time you came up with some answers. Starting right now!

So although it seems maybe Carrey improved the babbling part of this scene, and possibly the Surf’s Up Big Kahuna farewell to Stickley, the structure and intent is all still here. And though the actual dialogue of Edward’s babbling isn’t quite as funny as it needed to be, the idea of showing the effect of the box’s intelligence alterations by having Edward alter personalities in mid speech is a great idea, and it’s surprising that Carrey didn’t work with that premise, and sharpen up the jokes. It would’ve made an awesome scene.

But even though they didn’t keep Akiva’s excellent picture stomping scene, Carrey still brought across the spirit of Nygma’s obsession with Bruce Wayne, and how dangerous Eddie is when he’s scorned. I would have loved to have seen Edward dress Stickley up to look like Bruce Wayne before he killed him, just to use the idea of a pyschotic practicing on a helpless victim before going after his real target. But that’s just me.

INT. - WAYNE ENTERPRISES - MORNING

As the window is replaced in b.g., Edward Nygma stands SOBBING before the head of personnel. With augmented brain power apparently comes augmented acting talent.

EDWARD (inconsolable) Why? Oh, why? I can't believe it. Two years. Working in the same office. Shoulder to shoulder, cheek to cheek, ---we're talking face, by the way---and then this. (handing her a note) I found this in my cubicle. You'll find the handwriting matches his exactly as does sentence structure and spelling. (suddenly sobbing again) I couldn't possibly continue on here. The memories. I'll just get my things.

ANOTHER ANGLE

Edward slips out a side door, quickly avoiding Bruce and Gordon as they walk towards Bruce's office.

GORDON We've questioned everyone who worked on the floor. Computer records show no one going in or out after Stickley.

BRUCE Computer records can be forged. I'll have my people pull up --

A cop hands Gordon the forged note.

GORDON Suicide. With all due respect, leave the police work to us. We'll be in touch.

As the Commissioner exits, Bruce heads into his office, followed by his secretary, MARGARET.

INT. BRUCE'S OFFICE (CONTINUOUS)

MARGARET The society matrons of Gotham have called a record thirty-two times. Not to mention the press. I think that if they don't know soon who you plan to take to the charity circus, the world will most surely come to an end.

Bruce notices an envelope on his desk.

BRUCE What's this?

MARGARET I don't know. I didn't see anyone...

BRUCE No postmark. No stamp.

Bruce opens the envelope.

LETTER - CLOSE. A photo of Bruce. Below: letters cut from newspapers and magazines read:

(RIDDLE#1) (to be written) signed -The Riddler

Bruce raises an eyebrow.

BRUCE The Riddler? Why can't anyone in this town have a normal name?

One of the toughest tests that a script’s dialogue must pass is whether or not it is not believable dialogue, but that is it believable for that character. It’s believable for Gordon to dismiss someone wanting to meddle in a police investigation, but he seems cold and sarcastic talking to Bruce Wayne that way. Now I realize that Gordon doesn’t know Wayne’s alter ego, but he’s got to know that Wayne also isn’t some flake, that he’s a very serious, intelligent person and if he has information to contribute to a police investigation, Gordon’s going to listen. Any cop will at least listen to new information, because it’s always tips from people connected to the events that lead to solving crimes.

Also, it’s interesting to see Akiva hand in a draft without having had to think up the different riddles to be used to fool Bruce Wayne. How much do these LA pro scripters get paid to write MOST of the script. Yeah, I know, jealous much? Totally.

Phone RINGS. Bruce hits a switch and a desk video-phone lights into life. Alfred.

ALFRED Channel 12, sir.

Bruce presses a button and Alfred's image shrinks to a small box in the corner, superimposed atop a TV picture.

ON SCREEN -

A talk show in progress. A radiant black host: VONDELLE MILLIONS talks to a panel of experts.

VONDELLE --joined us, we're talking about the mutilation of Lady Gotham, caused late last night by Batman-

BRUCE _Excuse_ me?!

VONDELLE -- will take up to nine months to repair. Today's topic: Batman-crime- fighter or criminal?

BATMAN How 'bout Two-Face? Anyone here heard of him?

The shot WIDENS to reveal the panel.

ON SCREEN - Our first expert: DR. JANISLAUS ROYCE.

ROYCE Batman is a major cause of crime in Gotham. So-called super-villains seek him out hoping to prove themselves in violent conflict. Batman does not deter crime, he invites it.

VONDELLE I'm sure our audience objects to your gender bias. Batperson.

The second expert PIPES in, DR. DAVID AIMS.

AIMS What is the Dark Knight's credo? Batman does not kill? What of those slain during his fight with Jack Napier aka Joker? Or in his Christmas conflict with the orphan Cobblepot? Batman belongs behind bars, not his morally disadvantaged victims.

CHASE (O.S.) Bull (bleep)!

WIDER

Chase sits at the end of the panel.

VONDELLE What did you say?

CHASE Which part of the word didn't you understand?

Watching, Bruce sits a little straighter, more hopeful.

BRUCE I could like this woman.

CHASE Batman is a _reaction_ to the crime in this city, not a creator of it! Without him many more would be dead. Batman is a true hero...

VONDELLE Hey, Doc, got the hots for Batman?

HOOTS and HOLLERS from the audience.

CHASE - CLOSE. Busted.

On screen, a graphic: BATMAN: CRIMEFIGHTER OR CRIMINAL?

VONDELLE What do you think? Call us at...

A HAND reaches up and SNAPS off the TV. The screen goes black to reveal a reflection in the glass: Two-Face.

This is old hat. Frank Miller’s DARK KNIGHT comic books which heavily influenced the first BATMAN movie previously made use of TV talk shows to debate the morality of Batman’s actions. His story was very effective in seriously discussing Batman’s vigilantism, which is an aspect not covered in any of the Batman films. This scene is an attempt to include it, but doesn’t integrate itself into the story, and so was cut.

Plus Bruce Wayne’s running commentary reads as whiney and vaguely Valley Girlish (don’t think so? Just read the lines and imagine Alicia Silverstone speaking them. See, told you so.), and cheesy dialogue will kill our Caped Crusader quicker than even Arnold Schwarzenneggar with an M-60 Fully Automatic Fridgidare Ice Gun/Drink Mixer. So for the greater good of the movie, it hit the editing floor. Unfortunately during the editing of BATMAN AND ROBIN, too much was being thrown on the floor and it was difficult to walk around through the huge piles of film, so they figured they better try and cobble some of it together in some way or another so they had an actual film to release. Doh!!

BRUCE - OVER THE SHOULDER

Bruce works a keyboard, manipulating the images on various screens.

SCREEN ONE - Replays the CNN story on Two-Face

SCREEN TWO - Replays the Vondelle Williams show.

SCREEN THREE - Runs news footage of Chase.

As Alfred returns, Bruce splits the Chase screen, a list of psychiatric texts scrolling beside her portrait.

ALFRED Scholarly research?

BRUCE She has an excellent mind.

ALFRED If I misinterpreted your interest in the lady, I humbly apologize--

BRUCE I wonder if she'd go out with me.

ALFRED Apology hastily retracted.

Bruce freezes the image of Vondelle Williams over the familiar graphic: Batman: Crimefighter or Criminal?

BRUCE They don't understand. They think I became Batman to fight crime.

Bruce leans back, closes his eyes, his past never far.

BRUCE Do you remember the night I fell into that cave and the bat chased me?

ALFRED Your parents' wake. Rain fell like tears.

BRUCE ...The night Batman was born. (a beat) What was I doing in the fields that night, Alfred? What sent me running out into that storm? I keep dreaming about it but I just can't remember.

ALFRED I don't know, sir. Your dear parents. Suddenly gone. So much loss...

BRUCE I remember the bat, though. His scream. Those eyes. i was sure the fear would kill me. (a beat) In time I came to believe that if I became a monster, that if I was feared, I wouldn't be scared anymore. I was wrong. (off the screen) They think I became Batman to fight crime. I became Batman to fight the fear. And instead I became the fear.

Alfred hands him an envelope.

ALFRED Perhaps it's time you paid a bit more attention to Bruce Wayne. There was no one at the door, just this.

Within, (RIDDLE #2). His expression darkens.

You’re always in troubled waters when in the midst of an action movie your hero pauses for self analysis. The idea that Batman does what he does to combat his fear of street crime, which took the lives of his parents, is decent enough, but he doesn’t fight any form of street crime. He battles James Bondian evil scumbags bent on taking over the world. In Frank Miller’s DARK KNIGHT, Batman always found time between beating the Joker like a dog to go out and fight some real street crime, being that he is supposed to be a vigilante. By watching him do so with great visciousness, we were left on our own to try and figure out why he does it.

By having Batman actually tell us why, it spoils too much of the mystery that makes Batman such a great hero. Superman wears his motto on his chest. With Batman, you’re not supposed to know who’s side he’s on, and he could just as likely kick your ass as the next guy’s. So instead of having Batman tell us he’s conflicted, show us him being conflicted. In the first movie, you had the scene where Wayne threatens the Joker at Vicky Vale’s place, and you get the wonderful treat of discovering that Wayne is totally screwed in the head and is crazier than the Joker. That’s just way too cool.

A TINY CAR, horn HONKING away, ROARS into the middle ring and begins dislodging clowns, all tumbling out of the cars and over each other.

A new Ringmaster steps into the arena. Two-Face.

TWO-FACE Ladies and gentlemen, and I do use the term loosely, your attentions please. Tonight, a new act for your amusement. We call it Massacre Under the Big Top.

His thugs slip out of their clown costumes and seal every exit.

They pull machine guns and start SHOOTING over the audience's heads. PANIC. SCREAMS.

TWO-FACE People, people. Show some grace under pressure. A little decorum, please. (into his mike) _SHUT UP_!!!

More machine gun BURSTS as Thugs move into sentry positions at each section of bleachers. Folks quiet.

TWO-FACE If we may direct your attention...

A Thug trains a spot on a crate hung in the rafters.

TWO-FACE Inside that wooden box: two hundred sticks of TNT. (showing a box) In our hand: a radio detonator.

Two-Face presses a button.

DETONATOR - CLOSE. A digital countdown. 3:00. 2:59. 2:58...

TWO-FACE You have three minutes.

THE MAYOR What the hell do you want?

TWO-FACE Want, Mr. Mayor? Just one little thing. Batman. Bruised. Broken. Bleeding. In a word: dead.

Two-Face turns, showing his good side.

TWO-FACE Who do we have assembled before us? Gotham's finest. Rich, Influential. Smart. One of you must know who Batman is. Hell, we'd lay odds one of you _is_ Batman.

Two-Face spins, offers his evil side.

TWO-FACE So, unless the bat is surrendered to us post haste, we're off on a proverbial killing spree. City wide mayhem and murder. Starting tonight. With all you lovely folks as our very first corpses to be. You have three ---well just under three--- minutes.

BRUCE, his eyes riveted on the bomb. No secret is worth innocent lives. He stands. Chase, misunderstanding, tries to pull Bruce back down.

WIDER

Suddenly everyone jumps up, SHOUT and SCREAM, point towards the rafters.

REVERSE ANGLE

The Graysons scale the scaffolding, heading for the bomb.

TWO-FACE Boys! Move, move, move! (a beat) Cannot get good help these days.

All the elements are here for a great scene, but there’s just a few key points to mention. The bomb here is a wooden crate with some dynamite in it. We’ve already seen Wyle E.Coyote get hit with worse than that and walk away from it with nothing more than some black smoking fur and a little sign that said “Boycott Acme Products”. If Two Face is gonna get the Bat, he’s got to think bigger. So instead, in the film they ended up using a big red happy looking metal ball filled with TNT and a timer counter made from an old Casio watch LED display. Doh!!

Personally, I’d have had a firetruck filled with clowns drive into the centre of the tent, whip out a bunch of hoses, and spray gasoline all over the tent walls and the crowd. Then hang a huge, neon glowing ball of napalm with wicked looking detonators on it and a floating huge hologram projected into the air, clicking off the time left before explosion. Then inform everyone that if they don’t roll over on Batman, that this tent is going to turn into the world’s biggest bowl of JIFFYPOP!!

The film had a great moment where as soon as Two Face announces his plans, Wayne doesn’t hesitate, he stands and hollers that he’s Batman. But because of the roar of the crowd, noone hears him speaking. Good thing he hadn’t fallen and couldn’t get up, or he’d have been a goner.

A mysterious silhouette stands in the dark.

Two-Face draws his gun.

VOICE IN THE DARK The answer is, your enemy.

TWO-FACE Who are you?

VOICE IN THE DARK You can just call me... The Riddler.

The figure steps out of shadow. A new costume, lime green, covered with question marks, an emerald eye mask, derby and cane. An exact replica of the Guesser's outfit.

TWO-FACE How'd you find us?

RIDDLER You _are_ Two-Face, you would need to face both rivers, both uptown and downtown simultaneously. Only one spot in Gotham serves these bi- zonal, bi-coastal needs...

TWO-FACE Congratulations. You get to die on the dean's list.

Two-Face trains his gun, COCKS the trigger.

RIDDLER Has anyone ever told you have a serious impulse control problem? (looking around) You know, I simply love what you've done with this place. Heavy Metal with just a touch of House and Garden.

He crosses to Leatherland.

RIDDLER It's so dark and Gothic and disgustingly decadent...

He moves to Laceland.

RIDDLER Yet so bright and chipper and conservative! (to "bad" side) It's so you. ("good" side) And yet so _you_! (touching his suit) Very few people are both a summer _and_ a winter. But you pull it off nicely.

TWO-FACE A man with a death wish.

RIDDLER Harvey. You need me. Since you've gotten out of Arkham, you've managed, what? To bungle stealing a safe? Wreck a statue? And, correct me if I'm wrong here, but weren't you outsmarted by an acned acrobat at the circus?

TWO-FACE Let's see if you bleed green.

Two-Face COCKS back the hammer.

RIDDLER Alright, counselor. Go ahead. Fire away. But before you do, let me ask you one question. Is it really me you want to kill?

The Riddler knits his thumbs together, waves his hands over one of the exposed light bulbs that illuminate the room, making a shadow on the wall. The shadow of a bat.

RIDDLER Do you know about hate, my dual visaged friend? Slow, burning hate that keeps you sleepless until late in the night, that wakes you before dawn. Do you know that kind of hate? I do. (circling Harvey) Kill him? Seems like a good enough idea. But have you thought it through? A few bullets, a quick spray of blood, a fast, thrilling rush, and then what? Wet hands and post-coital depression. Is it really enough? (up close) Why not ruin him first? Expose his frailty. And then, when he is at his weakest, crush him in your hand.

Riddler gestures to the front of the room, where Leather and Lace, on their respective sides, are fixed to their TV's via the green beam of the box. He tosses a receiver electrode to Two-Face.

RIDDLER ...Take a hit.

Two-Face looks at the electrode curiously.

RIDDLER (taps his forehead) Up, up, up.

A beat. Then, gun still trained on the Riddler, Two-Face holds the receiver to his skull. He's blasted with a dose of Leather and Lace's neural energy.

TWO-FACE Holy shit.

RIDDLER So not everyone can be a poet. Still, I respect the sentiment.

Riddler waves his hand in front of the girls' eyes. No response. Definitely zoned.

RIDDLER (to the girls) This is your brain on the box. (off Harvey) This is your brain on their brain.

He plants an electrode on his own forehead.

RIDDLER This is my brain on your brain on their brain. Does anybody else feel like a fried egg?

The Riddler grabs Two-Face's receiver.

TWO-FACE No. Wait...

RIDDLER Addictive isn't it? Just Say No. Until I say yes. A little fringe benefit of working with me. Now here's the concept, counselor. Crime. My I.Q., your AK-47. You help me gather production capital so I can produce enough of these (pulling a Box from his vest) to create an empire that will eclipse Bruce Wayne's forever. And, in return I will help you solve the greatest riddle of all. Who is Batman?

Two-Face eyes The Riddler, interest dawning in his eyes.

TWO-FACE You are a very strange person. You speak as if we are old friends, which we are not. You barge in here unarmed when it is clearly suicidal to do so. Still, an intriguing proposition. (pulling his coin) Heads: we take your offer.

He rests the barrel on The Riddler's temple.

TWO-FACE Tails: we blow your _goddamned head off_!

FOLLOW THE COIN as Two-Face FLIPS it high in the air... SPINNING...

This scene was trimmed and nipped and tucked, and some how they decided to cut the part where the Riddler explains the fairly clever deduction he used to find Two Face in the first gosh darn place. Well, now we know.

The business with the Riddler making shadow puppets of a bat was already done in BATMAN RETURNS, so it was redundant to include it in this film.

The dialogue is pretty much as filmed, but this is a good exercise in seeing how to tailor dialogue to each character so that they don’t all sound the same. Two Face is a hardened criminal with little sense of humour who seems to argue both sides to his actions like a schizophrenic lawyer before doing anything, but tempers his educated vocabulary with foul language to convey the false bravado and defensiveness of a street criminal. Riddler has much better comedic timing, and wear’s his pyschosis on his sleeve, making it painfully obvious how hurt and bitter he is, and how he wants pyschological revenge to sooth his wounded ego. So try reading through the above, trying not to hear Carrey’s and Jone’s voices and see if the characters still stand out.

EXT. CLAW ISLAND - DAY

Tremendous construction in progress.

INT. CLAW ISLAND

Silhouettes of robot arms manufacture the Box. Edward watches on, giving Two-Face a quick hit from a glowing electrode, then snatches back the receiver. Harvey eyes the electrode with an addict's hungry eyes.

EXT. GOTHAM LOADING DOCK

Two-Face and Thugs steal priceless paintings while the Guards sit bound and gagged in their booth. Riddler stares up at a freshly spray-painted (RIDDLE #4) on the boat's hull.

INT. WAYNE MANOR - LAUNDRY ROOM

Dick stands watching TV while he washes and dries his clothes using martial arts techniques.

VONDELLE (ON SCREEN)

Has Batman lost his touch? We've become a city of sissies crying Batman, Batman, Batman at the first sign of trouble.

INT. GOTHAM OPERA - NIGHT

The Barber of Seville is in full swing. As the bejewelled audience watches, the translation is being spelled out for them on a large electronic screen over the stage.

BACKSTAGE

Green gloved hands attach a Box to the translator.

AUDIENCE

The familiar green beam of The Box transfixes the audience and the performers. Two-Face and his Thugs take the balcony in protective green sunglasses, strip folks of their cash and jewels.

The Riddler stands on stage.

RIDDLER I just love a captive audience.

He picks up the ARIA A-CAPELLA, races through the stunned orchestra, collecting valuables.

As he goes, he moves the mouths of his victims, turning the robbery into an opera of his own.

RIDDLER (singing) Oh, but all I want is to take all your jewels oh oh. (moving a woman's mouth) No, oh you villain don't take my jewels, oh no. (singing back) I will. (a man's mouth) No you won't. (singing) I will. (another man) No you won't.

Still SINGING, he leaps back onto the stage where Harvey and his Thugs arrive, bags full of loot. Riddler plays tiny hidden buttons in his cane, directing Batman.

TWO-FACE Where are you sending Batboy this time?

RIDDLER Here. Get a good seat.

OUT THE WINDOW

The Batmobile makes a quick stop before the opera house. Riddler, Two-Face and Thugs disappear just as...

BATMAN drops to the Stage from the ceiling. He looks around at the stunned audience. He spots a small box with a question mark on it sitting center stage. Lifts the top. Within, a pair of plastic hands applaud him.

THE TRANSLATOR - CLOSE. Vaporizes, the beam snapping off.

THE AUDIENCE startled by Batman's sudden appearance on stage, starts LAUGHING. Until someone notices her tiara is missing. A SCREAM. The first of many.

Batman at the opera? Well, Batman and Joker seemed to have some fun at the art gallery in the first movie, but this cut scene doesn’t seem like it would’ve been as good.

The scene where Robin does his laundry the Miyagi way probably had housewives everywhere wondering “What in the name of Betty Crocker and Madge Palmolive is that shaved headed weirdo doing with his laundry.” Laundry isn’t supposed to be a half hour workout routine, it’s supposed to be done in rapid two minute bursts during commercial breaks while watching Jerry Springer. But Producer Joel Silver’s axiom that movies need a whammie (whammie being a visual or audio form of stimulation to entertain moviegoers in between lengthy plot expositions, typically a car chase or Pamela Lee in a bubble bath.) every ten minutes must be followed, and being that Warner’s was probably running out of money, the filmmakers came up with an interesting and ecomomical solution: Robin uses karate to do the laundry while listening to industrial metal music. WHAMMO!!! Some studio guy must have gone home feeling pretty good about that idea and gave himself a raise for thinking of it.

CUTS OF MAGAZINES all proclaiming Edward as the new King of Electronics in Gotham City.

EDWARD Ladies and gentlemen. Let me tell you my vision for the future. "The Box" in every home in America. And one day, the world.

EXT. GOTHAM CITY - MONTAGE

A tenement, where a poor family scrapes together their savings on a newspaper ad for "The Box"....

An electronics store, where Alfred, at the head of a long line, hands over a check to receive "The Box"...

A resplendent household where husband, wife, and kids each watch individual TV's connected to their own Boxes.

INT. BATCAVE

Bruce stands over the Batcomputer.

BRUCE Riddler and Two-Face are tweaking the data before the computer pulls it off the emergency bands.

Alfred stands in his lab area, trying to disassemble "The Box". He gets the lid off.

BOX - CLOSE. The circuitry inside automatically vaporizes.

INT. NYGMATECH - EDWARD'S CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

Leather and Lace sit with the Riddler and Two-Face as the two villains pass an electrode between them.

TWO-FACE Sure, E = MC squared. Until you factor in more than three dimensions. Then... Damn. Hit us again.

RIDDLER Haven't you had enough? Don't Think And Drive.

Harvey waves his revolver in Riddler's face.

RIDDLER Be my guest.

Two-Face and Leather and Lace take another hit of the glowing neural energy. Smiles.

TWO-FACE Our Paleolithic yearnings are best expressed in a pre-linguistic- (off the befuddled girls) Sorry. Just thinking out loud.

Harvey leans back, buzzed, the electrode slipping from his hand. Leather grabs for it. Not fast enough. Riddler snatches it away.

RIDDLER (to Leather) Not until you do that thing I like. (taking a hit) On se tue pour des mesnonges. J'ai gache ma vie... (off the electrode) Woah. Harsh toke.

TWO-FACE Don't bogart that 'trode.

He tosses Harv the electrode over Lace's ill-timed grab. Harvey takes a hit.

TWO-FACE (epiphanous) Oh my God. Jim Morrison was right.

RIDDLER About what?

TWO-FACE Everything.

RIDDLER & TWO-FACE (simultaneous) ...Yeah.

Two missing scenes that both would’ve been pretty cool to see. Using the box as a Nintendo hookah pipe was probably a bit riske for the PG Smurfteen demographic that Warner’s was shooting for with this movie, so you know this one was getting cut. As far as Alfred’s buying The Box so that he and Bats could pull it apart to see what they are up against, it’s just one of those scenes deemed exendable because although it advances the plot, it doesn’t feature any production value or provide any trailer moments.

Critics lambast action films for threadbare plots, but here is an example of how the writer tried to have some semblance of plot only to see it cut. In exchange for all the plot points cut from the finished film, one of the scenes added to the film but not scripted was the big car chase where Batman drives up the side of a building. Remember that? Everyone in the civilized world does, cause it was in about a million TV commercials running every five minutes on every major TV channel in the free world for a solid month as part of a fifty million dollar multimedia pyschodrama that movie studio’s call an advertising campaign.

There’s a reason for it. In THE ABYSS, James Cameron cut an ungodly skyscraper sized tidal wave effect in order to keep the movie only two hours long and still keep the fantastic moment where Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio (no, I’m not that good, I had to look at the box for the spelling) sacrifices her life for the sake of her husband Ed Harris, and then is revived. James made an artistic choice and kept the plot and sacrificed a special effect, and was rewarded with the least profitable movie in his career. So in TRUE LIES, he cut some pretty important plot points (see my column on TRUE LIES. I’ve brought those scenes back, and it’s great to see the movie that could have been.), and kept all the Harrier shots, and saw his grosses come back up to blockbuster rates.

Think I’m splitting hairs here? What do you remember most about the commercials for DEEP IMPACT? That tidal wave knocking over that skyscraper. What do you remember most about DEEP IMPACT’S plot? That the first hour was great, and the second half was a complete abortion. When Elijah Woods traveled all the way across the country AND THEN decided to go back for his girlfriend AND HIS DAD LET HIM, I almost walked out of the theatre. And yet, IMPACT scored almost four hundred million world wide on an eighty million dollar budget and a screwed up story. If THE ABYSS had included their killer tidal wave, Fox executives wouldn’t have had to drink all that cyanide koolaid after seeing the weekend grosses.

Hmmm, cohesive plots or suicide prevention for studio executives? That’s a tough choice to make. Let me think. Hmmmm.... Wait a minute, I’m still thinking.

INT. CHASE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Big. Open. A life still in boxes. The door opens, producing Bruce and Chase.

BRUCE The style of the letters I'm getting matches those found at the crime sites. Why would The Riddler be sending me riddles? (looking around) Who's your decorator? U-Haul?

CHASE Sorry. I haven't even had time to unpack. Instant coffee okay?

Chase disappears into the kitchen as Bruce takes off his coat. She reappears with a small box. Hands it to Bruce.

BRUCE What's this?

Bruce opens the box. Within, a dream doll.

CHASE Call it clinical intuition. I thought your dreams might need changing.

Bruce looks at Chase. He stares out the window a beat, deciding. As he speaks now his words are halting, self disclosure difficult for him.

BRUCE My parents were murdered. In front of me. I was just a kid.

Chase nods. She knows.

BRUCE A lot of what happened is jagged. Pieces missing. I can't really remember. I just get flashes. Usually in my dreams. I'd kind of gotten used to them. At least accepted them....

CHASE And now....

BRUCE They've changed. The dreams, I mean. There's a new element I don't understand. A book. Black. Covered in leather....

(OVER) The kettle begins to WHISTLE.

CHASE Damn. I'll be right back.

Bruce is agitated, starts to looking around. At her desk he finds a virtual shrine to Batman. Pictures. Newsphotos. Articles.

CHASE (OVER) Find anything interesting?

BRUCE Why do I feel like the other man, here?

CHASE Come on, Bruce. This is what I do for a living.

BRUCE I'd say this goes a little beyond taking your work home.

CHASE What do you want me to say? That I'm not attracted to him?

She hits a button and on screen newsfootage rolls of Batman fighting Catwoman.

CHASE (mesmerized) Look at the abuse he's taking. He's not just fighting criminals. He's punishing himself.

Chase hits a button, freezing on Batman's face.

CHASE It's as if he's paying some great penance. What crime could he have committed to deserve a life sentence of such agony?

Bruce hits a key, blanking the screen.

BRUCE Maybe he just had a lousy childhood, is that it Doc?

Chase grabs his hand as it comes away from the keyboard.

CHASE Why do you do that?

BRUCE What?

CHASE Throw up that ridiculous superficial mask. If you're jealous...

BRUCE I'm not-

CHASE You want me close but you won't let me near. What's the terrible, dark secret you're protecting everyone from?

In the mirror they are half in shadow, half in light.

CHASE In a sense we are all two people. The side we show in daylight. And that side we keep in shadow.

BRUCE Rage. Anger. Passion. Pain.

He pulls her to him. Their faces are close. A breath apart. Suddenly his watch begins to BEEP.

Bruce turns over his wrist. Depresses a stud on his watch. The face turns into a screen.

ALFRED Sorry to bother you, sir. I have some rather distressing news about Master Dick.

BRUCE Is he all right?

ALFRED I'm afraid Master Dick has... gone traveling.

BRUCE He ran away?

ALFRED Actually, he took the car.

BRUCE He boosted the Jag? (relieved) Is that all?

ALFRED Not the Jaguar. The _other_ car.

BRUCE The _Rolls_?

ALFRED _No_, sir. _The_ _other_ _car_!

A beat. Then Bruce closes his eyes.

This is how it’s done. Specific goals are made and achieved in this scene, giving us insights into all three character’s personalities (think about it. We got three people in the room here, and it ain’t Alfred) and how they relate to each other. The dialogue is decent, but the narrative is excellent by being both sparse and descriptive. And after some quality characterization, we end the scene with a trailer moment that also makes a great joke. All they had to do is film, cut, print, and keep the gosh darn scene that the writer provided.

On the other hand...

EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT

The Thugs have the Girl surrounded, push her back and forth between them like a rag doll. The Batmobile SCREECHES into the alley. The door slides open. From the smoking hatchway emerges...Dick. Needless to say, this get the Thugs' attention. They let go of the girl.

THUG Who the hell are you?

DICK (low, ominous) I'm Batman. (looking down) Damn, did I forget to dress again?

The Thugs close. One rushes Dick while another swings a chain at his head. Mistake.

DICK Chains. You don't seem like the type.

Dick's hand shoots out fast, grabbing the chain. He open palms the Thug in the chin, whips the chain into the gut of the other villain.

DICK The Caped Crusader strikes again. Sans cape, of course.

Two more rush him.

DICK Another victory for the Dark Knight.

Dick goes up with a flying front kick, knocking one down, fells another on the return with a spinning back fist.

DICK (off the unconscious goons) Dark nighty-night.

Dick stares at the remaining thug. Smiles.

DICK Is your will up to date?

The last Thug takes a look at Dick, turns and races away.

DICK I could definitely get behind this super hero gig.

Dick nods to the awestruck Girl.

DICK Ma'am.

He starts towards the car.

GIRL Wait.

She moves close.

GIRL You forgot the part where you kiss the girl.

DICK (grinning) Right.

He leans in, happy to oblige when suddenly... (OVER) SCREAMS AND SHOUTS as the Thug who got away comes racing back into the alley, followed by maybe thirty new gang members, all wielding bats and chains.

DICK Uh-oh.

He pulls the girl behind him, readies for war.

A DARK FIGURE flies out of the night.

Batman, on a wire, swings into the group, sending them scattering in all directions. The bad guys race off.

THE BATMOBILE REVS UP, races to Batman.

Batman lifts Dick by his collar, drops him into the passenger seat. Hops into the other side.

GIRL (shouting) Don't you want my number?

She watches as the Batmobile speeds away into the night.

The best test for us writers to determine if the dialogue in our screenplays works is really simple. Say it out loud. Better yet, tie a black towel around your neck, put on your Batman pyjamas and Halloween mask, get into the middle of your living room surrounded by your family and say your dialogue out loud. Seem a bit much? Well if your script sells, then somewhere, at some point in time, some poor actor’s gonna have to stand in front of one hundred crew members and say “Dark nighty-night” take after take after take, and have it recorded for posteriety on video tapes that will end up in about twenty million homes. Considering this, we writers really owe it to ourselves and the world to try and conceive of film dialogue that isn’t excrutiatingly embarrassing, such as “Dark nighty-night.”

EDWARD You're ruining my big party. Are you insane? Actually, considering your dual persona, let's just forget the question.

TWO-FACE We're sick of waiting for you to deliver The Bat, Riddle boy. You promised us Batman.

EDWARD Patience, oh bifurcated one.

TWO-FACE Screw patience. We want him dead. (looking around) An nothing brings out The Bat like a little mayhem and murder.

EDWARD Oh well, in that case. As long as you were going to rob me, you could have at least let me in on the caper. We could have _organized_ this, _planned it_, pre-sold the movie rights.

(OVER) the CRASH of breaking glass.

BATMAN flies in through a window, kicking a row of Thugs down before he lets go his rope and lands on the floor.

EDWARD Harv, babe, I gotta be honest. Your entrance was good. His was better. What's the difference? Showmanship.

On the other hand, a little production value can’t hurt. You do, after all, have to sell tickets so that there are actual people in the seats to see your wonderfully crafted story. So where Akiva’s having Batman swing through a window on a rope in a “Bat Bat Batman of the Jungle, look out for that Riddler!” kind of way is good, Joel’s having Batman crash through a skylight and drop a hundred and fifty feet straight down into a huge neon water fountain, then do a two and a half gainer out of the fountain onto the dance floor through a hail of machine gun fire is better. The difference? Showmanship.

INT. CLAW ISLAND CONTROL CENTER - DAY

On his throne, in his sphere, electronically getting more brilliant every second, Edward fills all his screens with Chase's image from the party.

HIS BRAIN - CLOSE. Rivulets of neural energy ripple and dance as his brain grows under his magenta hair.

Suddenly Two-Face gets him by the throat.

TWO-FACE You know, Ed, we woke up this morning, we just knew we were gonna kill something. The Bat got away. Looks like it's gonna be you.

Two-Face draws his gun with his free hand. Trains it on Riddler's head. By the look in his eyes, he's serious.

TWO-FACE Why do we need you? You only come between us. We can be the smartest person in Gotham City. We want the empire for ourselves. Time's up, laughing boy.

RIDDLER Kill me? Well, alright. Go ahead. Take the empire. All yours. (grabbing his own head) Hell, Harv, old pals. I'll kill me for you.

Riddler grabs his hair, starts SLAMMING his own head into the desk-top.

RIDDLER Too...bad...about...Batman.

Harvey grabs his head. Stops him.

TWO-FACE What about Batman?

Riddler smooths his hair.

RIDDLER What if you could know a man's mind? Would you not then own that man?

Riddler hits a switch. Suddenly his screens fill with the image of Bruce stepping into the simulation at the party.

RIDDLER A few dozen extra IQ points and my little invention learned a new trick. It does more than drain your brain. It makes a map of your mind.

The screens change, now showing a turning schematic of a brain, alive with neural lightning.

RIDDLER Would you like to see what my old friend Bruce has in his head.

Riddler hits a switch. Another image pulls free from the schematic brain. A trapped bat. Fierce. Monstrous. The very picture of imagined evil, made live. Bruce's nightmare.

RIDDLER Riddle me this, what kind of man has bats on the brain?

Two-Face stares at him.

RIDDLER Go ahead. You can say it.

TWO-FACE You're a genius.

The two begin to LAUGH.

Oh, man, this would’ve been great to see. Carrey could’ve turned this already cool scene into one of the best of the movie. Ah well, it’s here for you to enjoy.

INT. RIDDLER'S CONTROL ROOM

Riddler sits on his throne, absorbing pulses of neural energy, his head growing.

RIDDLER It's happy time Gotham. Have you hugged your little boxes today? (singing) I'm in heaven. I'm in heaven with a girl like you.

WIDER

Chase has been chained to the floor of his throne.

CHASE Batman will come for me.

RIDDLER (singing) Someday my bat will come. Some day my bat will come. (suddenly lethal) I'm counting on it.

He puts his face close to Chase's.

CHASE You're frying your brain.

RIDDLER Nap time gorgeous.

The Riddler draws a hypo filled with green liquid. He plunges it into her neck as she passes out.

Ehh, the filmed version was much better. The point and most of the lines are the same, but there is a ton of prescence that came from Carrey in selling his lines. That’s what your five million bucks buys (this was back in the days when Jim earned five million dollars a picture, and that was considered excessive. Now, Mr.Roper could get five million for THREE'S COMPANY: THE MOVIE.).

CLOSE ON - Batman's fist being shoved into a new gauntlet.

CLOSE ON - Batman's new boot snapping shut.

CLOSE ON - the improved Utility Belt buckling on firmly.

CLOSE ON - the new cowl sliding down over Batman's head.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL

The Batman - a darker enemy to fear.

BATMAN What do you suggest, Alfred. By see or by air?

DICK (OVER) Why not both?

A figure steps out of the shadows. Dick. The cape is now black, yellow on the inside only. A red armored vest compliments green tights with knee armor, a utility belt and flexible black boots.

BATMAN Dick... Where did you get that suit?

ALFRED I...um..took the liberty, sir.

DICK I thought you could use a friend.

Bruce stares at him a beat.

BATMAN Not a friend.

He extends his hand.

BATMAN A partner.

The Dynamic Duo clasp hands.

Wait a minute, where are the CLOSE ON: Batman’s nipples and Robin’s butt? I know I saw that in the film. So how do you explain THAT little improvisation?

The Dynamic Duo clasp hands? Dick and Bruce, the Anonymously Gay Duo, with Alfred the pervo old leather/rubber tailor specializing in S&M play outfits. Kooky.

INT. RIDDLER'S CONTROL CENTER - NIGHT

The Riddler and Two-Face stand clutching controls on opposite sides of a holographically generated game of Battleship. Each is firing tiny blips at the small dot crossing the floating screen.

RIDDLER A-14.

TWO-FACE Miss.

EXT. GOTHAM HARBOR - NIGHT

A mortar EXPLODES aft of the Batboat, shooting a WATER SPOUT high in the sky.

INT. RIDDLER'S CONTROL CENTER - NIGHT

TWO-FACE B-12.

RIDDLER A miss. And my favorite vitamin, I might add.

Ah, shoot, and I was mortally positive that Carrey improvised that.

Two-Face brandishes his gun.

TWO-FACE All those heroics for nothing. No more riddles, no more curtains one and two. Just plain old curtains.

He COCKS the trigger.

BATMAN Haven't you forgotten something, Harvey? You're always of two minds about everything....

The handsome side of Harvey's face turns toward them.

TWO-FACE Oh. Emotion is so often the enemy of justice. Thank you, Bruce.

He takes out his famous coin and flips it. Batman starts to reach for his Utility Belt, to out-smart Two-Face. But as the coin flies high up in the air, it comes down just a hair too far away.

TWO-FACE No!

As Two-Face reaches out to catch it, he loses his balance and falls to the rocks and angry sea below.

True, when writing your script, you don’t need to include elaborate descriptions of the various action taking place, being that the director and the D.P. are gonna work that all out with the stunt guys and stuff, but the writer can put out a little more than “Batman starts to reach for his Utility Belt, to out-smart Two-Face.” even if it’s to say that Batman pulls out his Bat Out Smarter Flash Hypno Beam to shine in Two-Face’s two faces. Ahahahahaha... sorry.

All together, this ended up being a pretty decent sequel. If Schumacher wasn’t quite as inspired as previous director Tim Burton had been, at least there weren’t any stupid penguins in this one. And if Keaton was a crazier, more interesting Batman, Kilmer definately seemed confident and assured as the Caped Crusader. And if BATMAN RETURN’S Daniel Waters is the definative movie joke writer, at least Akiva is able to write dialogue that sounds like the characters in the movie and not like the cast of HEATHERS and CLUELESS slumming in Gotham in their black rubber suits trying to hit each other without breaking their nails or messing their hair in between coffee breaks at Starbucks.

And no matter what the flaws or missteps of any of the first three Batman’s, we can all be thankful that they weren’t BATMAN AND ROBIN. Sweet merciful heaven, we can all be thankful for that.

Credits for this installment of Nando's Corner:

Drew's Script O'Rama for the screenplay excerpts.

Rebel Republic and Curious Cat for posting Nando's Corner.

Here's some related links to check out.

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